I'm disappointed in you, George

Here's another embarrassing one. Alert Readers may recall that I've had two or three dreams in which George Clooney shows up randomly and reveals himself to be a charming conversationalist and a good companion to kill a little bit of time with while waiting in public places (??). Unfortunately it turns out he has a darker side below the charm.

This encounter began with my needing to take one of our dogs to the vet. I had found a vet that was more conveniently located in relation to my house and work, and wanted to try it out (inexplicably, we were living in something resembling a poor-ish neighborhood of a third-world city). The building was a three-story concrete building, with parts of it in okay shape and other parts that either had never been completed or had been destroyed by some unidentifiable catastrophe. I was poking around trying to figure out where the vet office was located (not easy, despite a prominent sign on the roof indicating that it was somewhere in the building). At some point I realized that I had forgotten to bring the dog (??), but since I didn't have time to go back for him I decided to at least locate the place and see how it looked, and maybe try to ask a couple of questions.

In the midst of my pokings-around, I ran into George, who was sitting at a counter in a cafe/bar restaurant in the building, looking out a large glassless window onto the parking area (keep in mind that the whole atmosphere was one of picturesque third-world decay, almost post-apocalyptic). I decided to play it cool and ask him if he knew where the vet's office was (you know, treat him like a regular layperson). He was, as usual, charming and helpful, and gave me directions involving navigating the destroyed part of the building that looked "like Kosovo" (his words). He then invited me to sit down and eat something with him, an offer I accepted both because I was hungry and because who would refuse a lunch invitation from George Clooney? We had a pizza, which was quite good.

We got along famously over the pizza, although I don't remember the conversation. Nor do I remember how we got to his house, but the next thing I can remember we were in his house, which had a larger selection of chotchkes displayed than you'd expect. By this time I felt like I had known him for ages, and he was being very nice, in the manner of a guy that you're getting to know and fast moving toward relationship territory with (you know, very interested in what you have to say, doing all the right body-language things to appear interested but not creepy). I was enjoying myself very much, although I certainly wasn't thinking "I'm going to have an affair with George Clooney"; he was much too smooth to provoke thoughts like that.

This is where things started to go downhill fast. In an embarrassingly ham-handed bit of G-rated symbolism, my subconscious chose to indicate his wish to take things further by having a wrapped condom drop out of his pocket onto the floor (??!?). Of course I freaked out because I had just been basking in the warm glow of his charming company and apparent general regard for me. I backed away and started sputtering, at which he abruptly lost his temper completely. He started yelling that I had been leading him on, with the reasoning that I accepted his gift of lunch ("you took the first piece of pizza, too! You just jumped in there."), and that the logical implication of that was that I was agreeing implicitly to "pay" later. I was completely crushed--what I thought was a spontaneous meeting of minds (and, well, yes, I did find him charming) was actually, in his mind, a way to get some action. I was crying by this time (loud wails and hiccups, the whole spectacle) and said, "but I'm MARRied", which I figured would surely appeal to both his reason and what gentlemanly side he did have (although I was beginning to realize I had seriously overestimated his gentlemanly side).

As I was wailing and he was berating, a young brunette slipped out of a bedroom and left the house, obviously having been there all night. Of course that didn't help things either. I beat a retreat, having completely changed my assessment of Mr. Clooney.

But that wasn't the end, oddly. A short time after I got home, someone delivered a medium-sized box, from George. I opened it and found a wild assortment of things, heavy on the books but with other things like event tickets, information on the stock market, etc. As I started to look through it, I realized that this was George's identity encapsulated in a box, and that he had somehow, drawing on his celebrity status as bosser-around of assistants and obtainer-of-favors, to assemble all this in that short amount of time (there were documents that would have had to be obtained from businesses and agencies, for example). Despite my resolve to have nothing more to do with the nefarious George, I began to soften as I realized what an effort he had made to be understood and explain himself.

What an odd and embarrassing dream. Once again, I promise I am not obsessed with Mr. Clooney. The only times I think about him are when confronted with a bit of celebrity gossip and when I have these random dreams in which he shows up. I have to say, though, I'm curious whether his Jekyll or Hyde side will show up in the next one (I doubt I've seen the last of him).

Gandhi??!

I've been having lots of really detailed dreams that don't stay around once I've woken up. Here are the two that I remember best--they're widely divergent in style/subject, as you'll see.

The first is kind of embarrassing, and I hesitated to post it, but it's just so surreal I couldn't resist. I'm not sure what the situation or setting was, just that it involved men coming out of the woodwork to reveal that they had all been coerced by Gandhi (!!?!) into performing sexual favors on him. It was alarmingly and gross-out-inducingly explicit (which is the embarrassing part). Obviously this was brought on in part by the recent scandals involving politicians, but why Gandhi?

The other dream was one I would rate as one of my best overall, for subject matter and scenery. I was taking a boat tour of a South Carolina swamp with my husband, and there were animals all over, a range from animals that would actually be in a southern American swamp (alligators) to real animals that live somewhere else (hippos) to completely made-up animals. There was a small fish/mammal/bird hybrid that I caught in my hand and kept holding onto because I wanted to take a picture of it. I don't remember exactly what it looked like, but I think it was bright orange, and very wiggly.

very weird miscellany

It seemed like I woke up every 20 minutes or so last night thinking, "that was so weird. I have to remember that." Of course I forgot most of it, but I think the few I do remember are representative of the rest in weirdness.

• My husband was going to do some interplanetary travel. I'm not sure if I was going too, but at any rate I wasn't concerned or worried, just excited for him and the other two people who would be traveling in his little "pod". It was a very rudimentary metal construction divided into three stall-like compartments, almost like a flat-topped horse trailer, minus the wheels. Each stall had a round porthole-like window that the traveler could look out while en route. He and the other two travelers were getting inside the pod to accustom themselves, but not yet leaving. Oddly, I don't think there was even any glass on the windows. Apparently there had been such great advances in space travel that things like pressure and oxygen were no longer a concern.

• I was staying in a largeish cabin with my parents and sister in the woods somewhere, on a family vacation. I'm not sure who else might have been there, but I had the impression of more people there than just my nuclear family. At one point when we were all sitting around in the living room, I began to talk to the cat. It was a large, mottled gray cat with a slightly cartoonish air. I asked it some question of little consequence, and it answered me immediately as if to have a spoken interspecies conversation was completely normal. I looked around at my human companions and said, "See, that's why I like cats so much. They're so much more intelligent than dogs."*

• [Same setting, cabin in the woods, raised up on a very high foundation/stilts; on the front porch this time.] I was just loafing on the front porch when a redneck-ish man with a junior-high-age redneck-ish son sauntered onto the porch. I wasn't at all alarmed, because it felt like they had some business being there. I just kept reading my book, until I started to feel like the son was infringing a bit on my personal space by staring at me (the father was completely absorbed in the view of the woods and not paying any attention at all). The son said, a propos of nothing, "I'm kweeping!" which in this alternate dream universe meant, I knew, that he was *ahem* very excited**. I was pretty offended by his forward declaration and also didn't want to encourage his attentions, so I went back in the house without really saying anything. On one hand I didn't want to hurt his tender young feelings, but really! A few minutes later a [very corny] rejoinder came to me: "You're kweeping me out! I'm mawwied." [Get it? Think "mawwiage" from The Princess Bride.] I don't know where my brain comes up with these things, and I find it even more alarming that in the dream I considered it a brilliant example of l'esprit de l'escalier.

• Then there was a very brief vignette, maybe a movie, in which a bimbo-ish blonde woman was threatening a used-car-salesmanly man*** with a ludicrously tiny gun, cocking it and holding it to his head. It was some kind of revenge thing for his ostensible past mistreatment of her, and I never did see what actually happened. I had the impression that she was all just hot air (and whether such a tiny gun could do any damage was another legitimate question).
  

*This coming from a person who in real life very much likes both cats and dogs.
**What can possibly be with this recurring theme of inappropriately young boys expressing interest in me?
***Although I know that there are many exceptions to this, my stock impression (based on extensive experience being dragged to car dealerships) is a stout man with a greasy, bloated face and moist, meaty hands with one or two large rings jammed on to his fat fingers.

Old Flames, New Flames, Old Friends

I was in a small room with my ex-bf. We were sitting next to each other on a twin bed. Things were building slowly between us - we held hands at first, then held each other, then a bit of fondling/groping, then kissing. I was stretched out on top of him when he asked me what I wanted. He said I could have anything I wanted. We flipped over so he was on top. I whispered I wanted him inside me. He immediately got off and said something like, "See that is your problem. You're too fast." I was upset at first, but then realized that I was moving to sex before I really knew anything was there.

Scene switch: I was coming home - lived in apartment 625 in building 79 of a group of apartment buildings. I had a lot in my hands and had to balance my bicycle on my hip while I checked the mail. I carried the mail, other bags and the bicycle to my apartment, opened the door and went inside. Two seconds later, I hear a knock on my door. There was a cute guy (about 5' 9', caramel skin, head shaved bald) standing there. I had dropped something on my way to the apartment and he was returning it. I felt an attraction there, but just said, "Thank you" and quickly closed the door. I was thinking I should have at least asked his name and where he lived in the building. Then I heard another knock on the door. He saw some mail for my apartment on the floor when he was checking his mail and thought he would return it to me. This time, I asked his name, shook his hand and asked where he lived (724 in building 81). His name was something I never heard before - I asked him to spell it (Knaan - or something like that). Just then I recognized him from somewhere else. I looked at his face again and he turned into a girl I knew from elementary school that I just friended on Facebook (long dreadlocks). I asked if the K name was the real name - knowing that it wasn't. She looked at me funny. I said, "Michelle, don't you remember me? Pamela Taylor from elementary school." Then she realized who I was.

Accidental Secret Angel

I was driving on a snowy road following a friend of mine. I had a vantage point of the road from overhead, even though I was still driving my SUV. There were 3 or 4 cars ahead of us. I saw my friends car swerve, go slightly off the road and then get back on. I tried to slow down by taking my foot off the gas, but when I came to the same spot in the road, my SUV did the same. We continued down the road talking to each other on the phone. Then one of the cars in front of us slammed on the brakes. She tried to go around, but skid and flipped her car landing on the roof. I tried to slow down and my car flipped completely over landing on all four wheels. I got out unharmed and tried to rescue my friend who was disoriented. Some strange guy came up to my car and tried to go after her but I pulled a gun to protect myself. I felt like I was just pointing my fingers like a gun, but I could tell to him it looked like a real gun. He didn't think I was going to use it. So I made a sound like I was cocking it back and heard the click. He still didn't believe I was going to shoot, so I said bang bang and he was actually shot. I ran upstairs in the building nearby and ran into a college classmate. At first he didn't believe I had gotten into an accident, then I told him again - sent the thought to his mind - and then he did. He went to help my friend.

Scene switch: Another man was after me, following me, trying to kill me. He said he knew my secret. I made a finger gun. He shot at me but his bullets didn't hit me. I pointed my finger at him and shot him about 5 or 6 times before he went down.

Scene switch: With another guy that I liked. We were trying to have sex in a room where my brother was sleeping. We were on the floor in front of a chest of drawers. The guy reached in for a condom (looked like part of a fishnet stocking). He knew I was an angel or had some special powers and wanted to have sex with me. I clapped my hands above my head and created a force field around us, which blocked sounds and made us invisible to people on the outside. I could see my brother sleeping in the bed (like the one in our childhood bedroom). He kept looking over as if he heard a noise, but I could tell he didn't see us having sex. I was on top and the guy was laying on his back. I pulled him to sit up inside the force field to make sure he was completely inside. Then my brother got out of his bed and walked out the door looking for us. I had to be quick to bring the guy to orgasm before we had to go back. Then I heard other people looking for us, so I clapped my hands again and made the guy disappear. I grabbed his pants and walked out the door throughout the house, pretending I was looking for him and saying he must have gone for a walk.

i guess i AM a deviant

did i just dream that i was getting it on with bill clinton?

mercy.

pretty boys

lately my dreams have been saturated with work-related themes so i haven't cared to document them here. but last night (or more accurately, this morning) i had some lovely boy-related dreams.

first one was about me and jason bateman. we were newly dating and i was very excited though a little cautious. i mean, it was jason bateman so how could i not be excited? but then again, it was jason bateman so i was quite skeptical about how successful the relationship could really be.

the details of this dream are rather sketchy but i do remember several moments of he and i gazing into each other's eyes. and then it quickly turned into us deciding to get married. which made me very nervous. he told me to calm down, that we would make a great husband and wife. i decided to believe him though i felt all apprehensive and anxious. then the dream really picked up speed with us planning a wedding for december, because that would be the next time i'd be in florida with all of my family.

the dream ended somewhere around this time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

the next dream started out with a large group of people (including myself) at a house that was to be remodeled. we were all on the lawn meeting the family who lived in the house. it was a single mom and her kids. her oldest son was in his early 20's and he was insanely attractive in an italian-with-thick-dark-messy-hair kind of way (but he was an american). while he was overwhelmingly attractive, he dressed in a very over-the-top fashion (now that i think of it, he might have been designer tank top guy) and so of course, i began to poke fun at his wardrobe.

as the dream unfolded, it appeared that i was involved in some sort of competition. we were there to be picked to be on a re-design team. as i realized this, i wanted to leave because i knew that there was no way i was suited to re-design a house. but before i knew it, the hot guy was choosing the people who would be on the team. to my surprise, i was chosen. and so was kendra. i remembered thinking that kendra was definitely qualified for the task but i was NOT. it didn't take long for me to realize, though, that i was picked not for my design capabilities but because hot-guy-with-ridiculous-over-the-top-fashion fancied me.

and this is where the dream turned into stuff you don't need to read about.

Kissing

The other night I had a dream where I met up with one of the boys in my classes growing up. I always had a big crush on him, but we were in different cliques, so past 5th grade we never actually spoke. Anyway, somehow we started making out, and it was awesome, but his tongue was forked, like a snake's. Suddenly I remembered that I had a boyfriend and it wasn't allowed, and so we stopped making out and instead went on a secret mission around a museum to find my bf's artwork. When we sat down to admire it, he started drawing an exact replica, and I was all, "oh my god, I can't believe you can draw well!" Then we walked some more, until we found a bathroom. I went into one of the stalls and found him making out with my sister. I tried to tell her that he was bad news, but she just got indignant and said that I was jealous.

Then last night I had a dream that now I can't really remember, but I think it had to do with the circus and sex. I know I woke up horny and a little skeeved out.

sleep love (lust)

had a dream last night that i was visiting a warehouse for some kind of work-related purpose. there were a bunch of guys who worked in the warehouse and one of them was this guy from csi:

let's just say we took a strong liking to one another. in my dream, i knew he wasn't my type and so he was more of a guilty pleasure. he was very good at all sorts of things that i won't mention here. but i will mention that, on top of everything else, he was a very skilled cuddler.

thank you, detective nick stokes.

it was fun.

Friends

Last night I had a dream that I Hope So and I went shopping for my Halloween costume together. We were in an old thrift shop, but couldn't find anything. So we decided to go to lunch. It must have been in California because the weather was beautiful and we were walking down this long sort of sloped hill with a grassy knoll to our left and a frank gehry type building to our right. Even though we were going to lunch, I declared, ,"I have my rollerblades." And Mandy, I swear to god, looked at me and said with great disdain, "Um, that's great. But normally I don't bring rollerblades if I'm going to lay out."

Then later we were all in a hotel and getting ready to go out for the night. For some reason I feel asleep and had a dream-in-a-dream. My friend Kelly was up for the biggest fan of Purdue. They got to wear red to the games and greeted everyone friendly when the crowd showed up. She was so excited for this position, and thought for sure she'd get it since she was friends with the girl who was retiring from the position. It was a the game and she was waiting in the tunnels while they made the announcement. But instead of her name, they called the name of someone from HS. Suddenly he appeared in front of her, and he felt really bad that she didn't get it. And then they started randomly making out. And then she decided that since her life wasn't working out the way she wanted, she should lose her virginity to him. And she was all, "Sex is the best thing ever!"

And then the girls woke me up, and we were all about to leave to go out, but someone had set someone else up on a secret date, and instead of a young lad like we were expecting, it was the "old intern" from Grey's. And he immediately busted in and asked where the bathroom was. So I was trying to pick out some jewelry and then he came out of the bathroom and into my room and asked how long this would take. I told him I had somewhere to be at 6, so we'd only be out until 5:30 at the latest, I figured it was about 1. He rolled his eyes at me, and said, "Well, we only have my car, and I'm not sure we'll be ready by then, but there's always cabs back to the hotel from the city." So then I started furiously going through my luggage to see if there was anything else I needed, and was stacking rings on my fingers, rings I had forgotten I owned, let alone brought with me.

And then I woke up.


(I sincerely hope that if I meet any of you in real life, you won't be dripping with disdain about me. That was sad.)

dirty

i had a sex dream during my sabbath afternoon nap.

and that's all you need to know.