a first

readers, i had a dream first! last night i dreamed that i was myself... and then turned around and saw myself... outside of myself.

i don't remember any other details of the dream except this:

i had the contents of my purse spread out on a sofa. i was digging through it and trying to determine what i needed and what i didn't (i think this represents my current state of feeling cluttered in my life - my house is not tidy and my brain has a lot of cluttered thoughts at the moment about life-direction, what i want, that kind of thing). while i was digging through the mess and feeling a bit overwhelmed and ashamed of myself for the mess, i turned around to see myself sitting in a chair behind me!

the me who was sitting in the chair (we'll call her CM for chair me) had a peaceful and knowing smile on her face as she watched the me who was digging through my things (we'll call her DM for digging me). DM was startled and a little giddy to see CM, knowing that this was something that had never happened before - two MEs in the same room at the same time. DM wanted to call someone else to come in and witness this strange event but as soon as she attempted to call for someone, CM disappeared. DM turned back to her task at hand and thought about what a crazy/weird/cool thing had just happened and then decided to turn around again just to check if CM had come back - and sure enough, she had. CM was still pleasantly smiling and chill and this made DM relax and chill out as well. and then once again, CM disappeared.

i've never seen myself in a dream in that way before. i recall seeing myself in a mirror, and i'm pretty sure i've had dreams where i was outside of myself and watching myself (like watching a movie i was in, that sort of thing)... but never have i interacted with myself in a dream like that before. crazy.

i determined when i woke up that DM represented my thoughts and CM represented my awareness behind my thoughts. it seemed the most logical conclusion when i was still half asleep, and seemed even more logical when i was fully awake... so that's what i'm sticking with.

a dream? or an encounter with the devil? hmm...

last night i had a series of off-the-wall, intense dreams. but the only one i can vividly remember was a dream (?) where i was lying in bed, half asleep, in the hotel room where i was staying at in real life. suddenly i felt someone crawl over me in bed and then wrap himself around me. i could feel the weight and warmth of his body. his hands were positioned on my head and neck. i was so panicked that i couldn't move or scream. my body ached from the fear and shock. i knew he was there to do something awful to me and i wondered if this is how my life would end.

and then i woke up.

partying with ira glass

plot line: ira glass was throwing a swanky party at his new york apartment. i was invited. ira and i were tight friends. ira was gay.

when i walked in the door, he gave me a big hug and handed me a martini. we flirted and hung all over each other as gay men and their lady friends tend to do. he even got behind me and acted as if he was doing that dirty grinding dance that the club kids do. and then took a towel and stuffed it down his pants to act as if he was, um, turned on (because he was gay. and that was funny. we laughed and laughed and i'm pretty sure i even laughed out loud in my sleep).

after our initial silliness, he walked me around and introduced me to other guests. i felt amazingly comfortable at the party (the whole dream was pretty much out of character for me). i socialized and drank martinis and laughed with guests and bantered with mr. glass.

there were multiple tables filled with decadent desserts spaced throughout his apartment. all kinds of chocolaty things. one table had fried wantons that were filled with a warm mixture of chocolate and mint. they were AMAZING. i ate two of them (and felt a little ashamed because there were not many on the table and i knew i should be leaving some for the other guests). someone called out to ira and asked where he got these incredible wantons. ira feigned embarrassment and said he didn't want to say. i rolled my eyes at his pretentiousness and laughed oh, ira. just tell them. i then turned to the inquiring guest and informed her that he got them from p.f. chang's.

babies on this brain, too

i am currently surrounded by talk of pregnancy and babies. i have two cousins each with a child under a year, another cousin who is about to give birth any day now, and my brother and his wife who are also expecting (anyone want to feel sorry for me? anyone?)

this dream was about the cousin who is about to pop.

my cousin was giving birth on top of a round conference table. there were people seated at the conference table, all business-like, watching the birth take place. i was in another room when someone yelled to me that it was "time". i came running in to see the baby's head sticking out of my cousin. this was not nearly as disturbing to me in the dream as it was remembering it when i was awake. the baby was gorgeous and had heart-shaped lips. i quickly left the room to find my camera and when i came back i was able to get a few shots before the baby popped all the way out. when she came out, i was the first to hold her. and i was in LOVE.

the best part of the dream was that john travolta (!) was seated at the table, watching the whole thing. he was so happy. i took a picture of him holding little emma, knowing this was definitely something she would be proud of in years to come.

zombies and their superior sense of smell

(my surroundings have seeped into my dreams)

i was living/staying in some sort of a neighborhood/community where everyone knew each other. the neighbors congregated at the house i was staying at after we were alerted that we were in danger of being attacked by zombies.*

when the neighbors made it to my house, we began boarding up the windows and doors with wood and various pieces of heavy furniture (it was a very anxiety-ridden dream, the kind where you can *feel* the adrenaline pumping and it kind of hurt). most of the neighbors hung out in front of the t.v. while i stressed over every possible point of entry. luckily, hyde and kelso from that 70's show** were there to help me. at one point we found ourselves in the garage, looking out though a crack. we could hear a chainsaw and we were trying to determine if it was a neighbor in need of help or if it was too late.

eventually the zombies closed in on the house and we were all doing our best to keep them out when it occurred to us (not sure how) that zombies had an extremely sensitive sense of smell, especially for unpleasant smells***, and that we could use this to our advantage****.

.................................................

* this part of the dream was likely influenced by a conversation where i compared preparing for a hurricane to preparing for a zombie attack. I was informed that one does not get advanced warning about zombie attacks.

** my youngest brother watches repeats of that 70's show incessantly.

*** this part of the dream was influenced by a conversation i had with my cousin and her husband about how the women in the family have very sensitive noses, especially for rank smells. the husband reported that my cousin complains of his gas "even before it leaves my pants".

**** yes, i am aware that zombies would need a functioning brain in order to actually be able to smell.

it's a circus out there

(i love it when my dreams so clearly represent my real life anxieties)

i was in the car with a friend. she was driving us to lunch. as we rounded a corner, we were surprised by a herd of alpacas* running across the street. as we drove a few feet further, we then found ourselves surrounded by all sorts of animals (just about every kind of non-domesticated animal imaginable) running wildly to-and-fro. there were tons of them. my friend was nervous and wanted to speed out of the situation as quickly as she could. i was a bit nervous but more interested in documenting the moment with my camera. i convinced her to slow down as i cracked the passenger window and tried to take non-blurred photos from a moving vehicle.

as i snapped pictures, i watched as a double decker bus cut through a field. on the side of the bus was a large banner that read: Ringling Bros. Circus. the bus was packed with people on both levels and it quickly became apparent to me that the animals broke free from the circus and that the employees and visitors were trying to escape harm. the double decker wasn't much of a getaway, however, as it could only go about 15 miles an hour and the sides consisted of nothing more than railings. none of the animals seemed terribly threatening, though. just a bit wild and out-of-hand with their new found freedom. i did catch a glimpse of a lioness attempting to attack an alpaca, but it didn't appear that she was trying all that hard as the alpaca easily dogged and ran.

the most amusing part of the dream was watching an orangutan guard the top level of the bus. animals were trying to climb and jump to the top level and the people were screaming and running to the center. the orangutan would either elbow the various animals off or catch them and throw them back to the ground.

*i never even knew what an alpaca was until i came across this the other day.

murder and houses and babies and dogs and rainn wilson

not sure where one dream ended and the others began...

i had gotten some sort of a flier and saw a commercial simultaneously about ridiculously fancy homes with all kinds of amenities - hot tubs and lookout towers (?) - and the commercial and flier touted that these homes could be rented for super cheap. i showed the flier to my now roommates and told them that i didn't know if it was a hoax but maybe we should check it out. we went to one of the homes at night and met with the realtor lady. oh, and a big selling point was that you could have has many dogs as you'd like while living there. somewhere during the meeting/tour, it was determined that the owners of these super nice houses had all been murdered and that's why rent was so cheap. and that's when i had a flash back to a sentence on the flier that said "why let a little murder stand in the way of living your dreams"? oh, i thought, that's what that meant. i also learned during the meeting/tour that most people who have participated in this special "offer" came home to find that their dogs were killed. we decided to pass.

at some point one of my roommates was pregnant. she was very calm and collected about the whole thing, which surprised me because of the not being married and having a strict chinese mother thing. she asked if i would be ok with having a baby as a roommate as well because she didn't want to move. i was fine with it.

i was at my old place of employment (hospital) and was wandering around for some reason. i had a shopping cart. a 20 something girl came up and stood next to my shopping cart and smiled at me as she combined tomato juice and vodka in a secret container for her to drink while at the hospital. she then put the rest of the tomato juice in my cart, leaving it to drip where ever i went. i was very angry about this - like super angry and offended that she would do such a thing to me! i found the complaint desk and made a formal complaint and felt very vindicated in doing so. i think i also called her a bitch as she got into her car to drive off.

i was walking in a downtown area looking for a place to eat. i realized that i was with an ex and was confused about why we would be hanging out and having dining together. i decided we must be friends now. we had dinner at a chinese restaurant and the whole experience was rather lovely. when we left the restaurant it was raining. i did not have an umbrella, he did. he left me to walk back to the car in the rain as he ran off ahead with his umbrella. i mumbled something along the lines of wow, he is still such an ass.

i was outside of the hospital i was at a couple of sequences ago. it was night time. a man ran up to me asking me about a little boy named "walter". the man was frantic. i realized the little boy was rainn wilson's (dwight on the office) son and that the man was the boy's uncle and rainn wilson's brother. it turned out the boy had died while in his uncle's care. i felt so sorry for both rainn for losing his son and for his brother for having to carry the guilt.

short

i can't remember any of the details, but last night i had a dream that i carried on a very long phone conversation with senator claire mccaskill. i have no recollection of what we were talking about, but i remember she was very pleasant and helpful.

nap dream

i was in my bedroom taking a midday nap (much like i was doing in real life) when something smacked me in my mouth. i tried to wake up to figure out what happened, but it was a struggle to open my eyes. when i finally got them opened, it took another several minutes for them to focus. it was a very frustrating couple of dream minutes. my eyes finally focused enough to see that i was hit by stuffed football that had rough, sand papery laces. my lip felt scratched and slightly fattened.

i was very confused as to who would throw a stuffed football at my face while i was sleeping and even more confused why anyone would be in my house at all. around this time i heard the shower start up in the bathroom inside my bedroom. my first guess was that my father must be visiting me and that i was still half-asleep and had somehow forgotten that he was here visiting me (throwing a stuffed football at my face while i am napping and he is on his way to the shower is something my father would definitely do). so i called out "daaaaaad, daaaaaad". and a male voice answered from the bathroom and said "no, this isn't your dad" and laughed. "something isn't right" i thought, and i struggled to get out of a tangle of covers and up on my feet. my eye sight was still blurry.

i stumbled out into the living room to see if my roommates were home and could explain to me what was going on. the living room was empty but there was a college-aged girl at the screen door trying to come in. she had a key. i stood in her way and asked her what was going on. she was annoyed that i was in her way and tried to squirm around me and into the house. at this point i became rather irriated and demanded she tell me why she was at my house. i said something along the lines of look, i don't want to be a bitch, but this is my house and you need to explain to me why you have a key. if you are a friend of one of my roommates, that's cool. but you need to explain yourself to me because I LIVE HERE. i was purposefully giving her the benefit of the doubt by assuming she was a friend of my roommates. my roommates are chinese and the friends they bring over have all been chinese as well. this girl was white. but she did have a key chain from the univeristy they attend, so i thought maybe it was a classmate.

the girl gave me attitude and continued to try to squeeze past me into my house. this time i raised my voice and stated in a very stern manner back the fuck up. you are not coming into my house without telling me why you are here. at which point she gave a frustrated sigh and said fine, sometimes i come here with bob, too. see, i don't lie about EVERYTHING. somehow i instinctively knew that the guy inside my house was not named bob and this meant that she comes to my house with different guys when i am not home. i looked at her a little closer (my eyes were fully focused at this point) and said something like oh, it's you. didn't we go through this last time. you can't break into people's houses to take showers and hang out. give me back my key now. she fussed about need to go and get her laundry first (she was also using our laundry facilities, she had really made herself right at home). i demanded she take the key off of her key ring and give it to me that instant. as she was doing this, i remembered thing that she was a very normal and pretty looking college girl who did not at all seem like the type who would break into people's homes to use their stuff. she finally handed me back the key. the whole conversation/confrontation took place in the doorway.

just as she handed me back my key, the guy who was in my room taking a shower walked out. he was tall and had a beard and was wearing a tshirt and cords and was in the process of putting on a sweater as he walked into the living room. i told him he needed to give me back my key and leave. he rolled his eyes and mumbled awww, man and followed my directions. as he walked out my door and down the stairs, the girl became upset that he was leaving her. she called after him in a very whiny voice, much like a spoiled little girl paul... paul... paul... PAUL!

and that's how i woke up.

i'm intrigued at how much physical sensation i am experiencing in my last few dreams. contractions, heartbeats, being smacked in the mouth... weird.

another one

woke up from another pregnancy dream this morning at the same exact time i woke up from one yesterday.

it was another one that was more about the *feeling* of being pregnant (belly, baby moving, etc) than about any sort of story that went along with it. in this one i had my usual venti non-fat iced latte and then realized that wasn't a good idea when i could feel the baby moving around a bunch and i could *feel* his heart beating super fast. i was worried that i had harmed him. and then i woke up.

baby mama

about a week ago i watched "the business of being born" at a friend's request. i'm surprised it took a full week for my dreams to be influenced.

i was pregnant. there really wasn't any back story (like why i was pregnant, who the father was, etc). i was going in for a checkup at the hospital. my mother was with me. i went into labor. i was now in a wheelchair. i felt the contractions (this makes me wonder if i had gas last night? what was it that i was feeling?) i was then in an exam room (doctor office style) and waiting. The contractions kept coming closer. i knew it was time to have the baby, even though my mom was assuring me that i was overly optimistic and that there's no way it was going to be that quick. but i was sure. and then i reached down and felt the head (ewww) and then my mom started to believe me and tried to get the doctor's attention. my response? eh. we can do this. it'll be ok (that totally came from watching that documentary).

i remember thinking this really doesn't hurt that much. i mean, yeah, it hurts. but it's not THAT bad.

and then i woke up.

this is it

we were driving down the freeway in my parent's van. my father was driving. my brother mason, his buddy, my mother, and i were in the van as well.

we came up to stretch of the freeway that was under construction. we were on an overpass and there was another freeway zig-zagging over top of us. everyone was driving really fast. in the confusion of the freeway construction, my father entered a lane that was not completed. we ended up on the edge of the overpass and on the outside of the barrier columns. basically, the concrete was only as wide as the wheels on the driver's side of the car. the rest of the car was hanging above traffic far down below. there were also columns to the left of us that prevented us from swerving back into a full lane. we were on a ledge.

this all happened very quickly and as soon as all of us became aware of the impossibility of the situation, we became very quiet and held our breath. my father continued to try to balance the van on the small strip of concrete, though we all knew that it wouldn't work for long. i began to take stock of the situation. i told myself that this is it. our lives were going to end. i was thankful that i was dying with family. i felt bad for my brother's buddy and his family who would be left behind to mourn him. i wondered about my brother mark who was not in the van and was thankful that he had a family of his own to carry on with. i told myself that everything was ok. everyone dies. i remembered wishing i didn't have to go now. but i also knew there was nothing i could do about it.

and then there was a break in the columns and my father was able to swerve us back into safety.

woke up.

intense.

framed!

last night's dream was filled with weird morphings from this to that and i'm not sure i can capture it all in a post but here's the gist:

i was at a house that was across the street from a park i grew up near. i was driving my current car and i parked at the house and went inside to check it out. i think i wanted to live there. no one was home and i was walking around looking in all the bedrooms wondering if one was available to rent. but they all seemed to be in use. while i was looking around the house, i was on the phone talking to a friend. i was explaining the house to him and talking about how i'd like to live in this particular neighborhood. then i realized i should probably leave the house before anyone got home, because it would be awkward to get caught wandering around inside a house that didn't belong to me.

when i left the house it was dark out. there were a lot of people hanging out at the park. i got into my car and started to drive away when i heard faint screaming coming from the back of my car. it was a male's voice and it sounded as if he was in the trunk. only i drive an SUV and there is no trunk. so i deduced that he must be in the back seat, tied up, and muffled by a rag of some sorts in his mouth(?). i was right. i immediately knew that i had been framed, because i certainly didn't tie someone up and put them into my car. i pulled over immediately and knew that it was going to look as if i were guilty. there was some morphing and it ended up with me at the police station (which was really the hospital i used to work at) and i was there along with the girl who framed me (a girl i worked with briefly years ago and haven't really thought of since). there was something to do with carnations for sale. that may have been related to when i sold flowers as a part of a vday fundraiser every year.

anyway, i knew the girl had set me up for the crime, but i didn't know why or how to prove it. then things morphed into my mom and i doing our own investigation. we were sneaking into houses and spying on people in an effort to collect clues. at one point i was back in my car, searching the backseat, looking for evidence. i remember talking to my mother about why the police hadn't searched my car yet, there seemed to be a lot of clues that proved that i was framed. during the searching of my back seat, i found a journal that was shoved down into the seat. the journal had my dreams written in it (like a paper version of this blog). on one of the pages it had this girl's handwriting. there, written out in a step-by-step format, was how she had set the whole thing up. she made a note that was meant for me to read/find that said something along the lines of "you've had lots of dreams about getting framed and put into jail for something you didn't do. how much fun will it be to actually live your dreams!" i remembered thinking the girl must be nuts and had way too much time on her hands. my mom was happy because we could take the journal to the police and prove my innocence. only, i knew the journal wouldn't be acceptable evidence.

another morphing took place and i found myself in a basement. there was a vent on the wall. the girls hand popped through the vent and handed me a thumbdrive. she said "here, all the evidence is on here. you can give this to the police. hurry up, there is a press conference about to start".

and then i woke up.

snippets

i've had a ton of crazy dreams lately but have been terrible about blogging them...

snippet #1: me and recent romantic interest (rri) found ourselves hanging out in the ex-boyfriend's (xb) apartment. i was not happy when i realized where we were and even less happy when xb joined us in our hanging out. the xb showed the rri around the apartment and then it turned into the two of them snorkeling (!) through the apartment. suddenly it became the coolest place ever and these two guys were snorkeling while i was sitting on the couch. i was very unhappy as i could see that rri thought that xb was "cool". i wanted to scream "no! he *tricks* people into thinking he's cool! don't trust him!" but i kept my mouth shut for the sake of good manners (?). rri could tell that i was uncomfortable and he would swim back to me every once in a while and spend some time with me as if to communicate that he knew i was uncomfortable. and then he would go back swimming with xb out of what seemed like 1/2 obligation and 1/2 there was a frickin ocean in his apartment that they could snorkel in. in the dream i was very appreciative of rri's attempts at making me feel less uncomfortable even though it didn't help a whole lot. i could still see that he was trying and it meant a lot. i woke up irritated that the xb had tried to win over my rri. why was he always trying to steal people from me!?

snippet #2: i (along with and quite a few other people) was commissioned to design a new spaceship ride at disney world. only, when i arrived for "orientation" i, along with everyone else, learned that what we were designing was not a ride but in fact a real spaceship-slash-living system in an attempt to save mankind. the "disney" folks (which were actually government people) told us that the earth was in danger of being destroyed and that they were trying to find a way to transport all of humankind to outerspace before the destruction. they were not sharing this information with the general public, for fear of mass hysteria. instead, they put the "development site" on disney world property with a large wall around it (just like they do when a ride is being built in the park) in an effort to conceal the project. there was a lot of pressure on all of us (random group of people specially chosen for the project) to develop something before a non-defined deadline of earth destruction.

animals

i was hanging out with my family in my grandparent's home (my immediate family used to live in this home for several years when my grandparents lived in colorado). out of the corner of my eye i caught a glimpse of a large mountain lion jumping up onto the roof. this spooked me and i immediately reported it to my family. my parents were skeptical that it was actually a mountain lion and offered that it was most likely a dog. i was convinced, however, that it was indeed a mountain lion. we sat quietly in the living room and listened for the animal. we heard the mountain lion walking on the roof. the footsteps were very loud and distinct. my mother stated that it was in the attic. she then turned to me and asked if i had ever been in the attic. i said i hadn't. listening to the mountain lion walking on the roof made me very nervous. i was sure that it was stalking us and waiting for an opportunity to kill and eat us.

eventually we decided to sneak out of a window in a back bedroom. we then began walking down a long dirt road. after making it several miles down the dirt road and away from our house, i turned around to see the mountain lion running towards us at full speed. it was terrifying and i stood very still. the mountain lion then ran right past us and turned into a very large black sheep. i relaxed when i saw that it was just a sheep and commented to my mother that the whole event reminded me of the movie jumanji.

we continued down the long dirt road as other, non-distinct animals ran past us at varying speeds. eventually my mother pointed out a large peacock (it was the size of an ostrich) behind a fence. the peacock was completely white. the feathers were fanned out and they had an iridescent shimmer to them. we both ran over to the fence to get a closer look. we had to climb down a slippery hill that was immediately adjacent to the fence in order to get closer. we sat down and watched the peacock in awe. after a few moments i turned around and noticed that a large crowd had joined us.

********

i didn't remember this dream until i went on a walk this morning and passed by a pit bull who was wandering around off-leash. i came back home and looked up dream meanings about animals because the dream felt very significant. as is typical with dream interpretations, they were all over the place. but it seems that what they had in common is they interpret animal dreams as representing very primal emotions. anyone want to take a crack at interpreting this for me?

was she bleeding?

just started watching a rerun of csi and it reminded me of a dream last night.

i was in some sort of a convenience store. a woman and a young boy came in. the woman was freaked out and shaking and we instinctively knew that she had been raped. me and another man went to her car (apparently the scene of the crime) to collect evidence (i guess we were csi type people?). i was in the back seat, he was kneeling in the driver seat looking back in my direction, and the young boy (presumably her son) was in the passenger seat. my "partner" (i guess that's who he was supposed to be) and i were talking about what must have happened when i realized that we could be traumatizing the young boy. i told my partner this and he replied something along the lines of: it's too late, he's already traumatized. he was here when it happened.

as if that wasn't creepy enough, right then there was a loud knock on the back window, right above my head. the knock startled me and all three of us looked up at the window. there was a white man, late 40s, with long brown hair - very sketchy looking. on the right side of the car there was a young black kid. we immediately knew the man was the rapist and the boy had led him to us. the creepy man looked at us and asked excitedly, in a very sinister voice: was she bleeding?

then i woke up.

freaked me the hell out.

volcanoes

it was me, my mom, my grandmother, and my youngest brother. they had come to california to visit me (like they did when i first moved out here). i took them sightseeing on the coast (like we did in real life). this time we went to some historic mansion and took a tour. we were learning about the history of the place (none of which i can remember from the dream) and then were led up to a rooftop restaurant. once on the rooftop we notice that the main view was that of a most awesome (in the true sense of the word) volcano. it was at sunset and the colors in my dream were so incredibly brilliant. the volcano would erupt every few minutes, making a very loud rumbling noise that sent chills up my spine every time. when the lava would run down the volcano, it was in technicolor orange/red. i remember feeling so privileged to have the whole experience. somewhere over dinner i said to my little brother - and to think republicans say that studying volcanoes is a waste of money! (this was obviously connected to bobby jindal's remarks)

mean little buggers

i guess i can count last night's dream in the reoccurring dream category.

i was hanging out with a group of friends at one of the friend's homes. these were dream-friends and not real-life friends. we were sitting around a kitchen table and were supposed to be figuring out how we were going to spend the evening but nothing was getting decided. at some point two of my "friends" left to run an errand and were supposed to be right back but they ended up doing something other than the errand and were gone for a really long time. i remember being pissed by this because i thought it was a rather inconsiderate thing to do. i was especially pissed because the entire time that we were hanging out and trying to decide what to do for the evening, i was being attacked by these tiny squirrel-y/hamster-y type animals that belonged to one of my "friends" (this is the part of the dream that is reoccurring - being bitten and attacked by small animals).

these little furry things were vicious and they were attacking only me and no one else. they would sink their teeth into my flesh and not let go. i would have to do all sorts of crazy things to pry them loose. once i would get one loose, another would attack. IT HURT. at one point i had one on my hand that i could not get get to release his bite, no matter what i did. i ended up running outside and finding a bush that was covered in thorns and i rubbed the creature across the bush, hoping the thorns would hurt it enough that it would let me go. it eventually worked but i had also succeeded in covering my hands in very painful splinters. the dream ended with me using my tweezers to painstakingly extract the multitude of splinters from my hands.

the pain sensations from the dream were so vivid that several times today i thought about how i needed to find my tweezers so i could remove splinters that weren't really there.

another marriage/wedding related nightmare

i was moments away from walking down the aisle (as is always the case in these awful, awful dreams). the man i was about to marry was like 10 years older than me, a trucker, and had a tattoo (of what exactly i can't remember) on his right bicep. the man also had a young daughter, about three years old. side note: i think my dream husband-to-be was a combination of several guys who are married to various friends/acquaintances. he was this typical redneck character who would be my worst nightmare for a husband.

anyway, my mom was absolutely thrilled. she was so, so happy that her daughter was almost married. i, on the other hand, was panicked. another side note: the dream had this very heavy and sinking emotional quality to it. it felt less like waiting for something special to happen and much more like waiting for my life to be violently taken. i cannot express how deeply sad i felt in this dream. i was caught in this moment where i was trying to decide if i should accept my fate or run. in the dream i was overwhelmed with how happy the whole circumstance made my mother. i was also overwhelmed by the thought of pulling the plug on the wedding at the very last minute. i did love the the trucker guy's little girl and i remember she was making it especially difficult for me to stop the wedding from going forward.

right before i woke up, my dream-self remembered something that my mom had said to me in real life many years ago while watching oprah. she said something along the lines of: no matter how close you are to walking down the aisle, if you realize it's not what you want, you should stop everything rather than continue with the wedding just to save face. my dream-self felt like i had found an "out" that my mother couldn't argue with because they were her words of wisdom.

about this time i woke up with a start and in a sweat. i enjoyed a huge wave of relief as i realized it was all

just. a. dream.

(analyze that!)

i guess i AM a deviant

did i just dream that i was getting it on with bill clinton?

mercy.