last night i was visited by my reoccurring nightmare of getting married to someone who i DO NOT want to marry. i've had these dreams for several years and they show up every couple of months or so. the guys are different. sometimes they are exes, sometimes they are just guys that i've known throughout my life. last night it was a friend who i haven't been in contact with in probably a year and a half.
as usual, i was moments away from walking down the aisle. i was in the dress and helping to decorate. this part of the dream was fun. i was surrounded by friends and family and was filling the chapel with tons of candles. and then it hit me that i was about to be married to someone who i didn't love and wasn't at all attracted to. my stomach sank and i began to panic.
as is usual in this type of dream, i started trying to figure out how i could get out of the wedding that was moments away from taking place. i worried about hurting his feelings and making a huge scene by calling everything off. i thought about if i could really go through with it. could i just fake that i wanted to marry this guy so i wouldn't disappoint everyone? could i handle being "tied" to someone i didn't love? could i learn to love him?
the dream then turned into a series of scenes flashing one after another. one of me and him at the alter and feeling sick to my stomach. one of me looking at my face in a photograph and wondering if others could tell that i wasn't happy. another of me and him back at "our house" after the wedding and feeling completely stuck and like my life was ruined. in all of this i was trying to keep myself from showing him or anyone else how sad i was but he could tell. he tried to convince me that i would eventually love him and be happy but it literally felt as if it were the final moments of my life, that it was coming to an end.
i woke up in a sweat. there are no words to describe the relief i felt when i realized it was just a dream.